A weird week
The week started off strong and then it just fell apart toward the end. Training was mostly ok, but every day seemed like there was a new work or personal challenge that just pushed me past what I could handle. I had a lot of baking to do and teaching the week before a break is always different than other weeks. I started to fall into, "I'll just do what I feel like doing" instead of consulting the training plan.
The cross training
On Monday Scott and I did Les Mills on Demand BodyPump and I got a short bit of steady state cycling in. I always enjoy BodyPump. We did release 104 which was what we both trained on when we had our little stint of wanting to be instructors. Every time we do that release I laugh a little wondering how my musically unintelligent self could have managed to keep time while telling other people what to do, and I feel a little bad that Scott didn't certify because it would have been fun for him.
Later in the week we did Pump at home one more time. Elizabeth was team teaching for our normal class at FLX and she asked us not to go. It was good as Friday turned out to be a really rough day for me, so I was pretty glad to not have to put on a happy face and pump with other people.
Crying and running
It seems like the only time I fully fall apart crying is when running. It feels safe. No one is there to console me or say I'm overreacting. I haven't cried since my mom died and I think that I'm finally starting to process how hard this is. My sister and my dad had a full week of sadness and tons of crying and I just kind of looked at them feeling bad that I couldn't cry. On Friday at work a colleague came in to tell me something that I could improve on and for a million reasons I wasn't able to hold it together. I ended up crying for all of my prep period, all of my lunch and then kind of holding it barely together for the 3 classes I had to teach for the afternoon. I haven't been in a position like that since my cat died when I was 22 in graduate school. I had an internship teaching and vividly remember crying in the bathroom whenever I wasn't teaching a class.
Anyway, I thought I had it together by the time I came home. I was in no mood to run though and announced as I walked in the door, "It is freezing and I'm going to Precor instead of running." Both Scott and Elizabeth said, "Sure it is 14 degrees that's probably a wise choice." As I started to get dressed I realized I'd be so annoyed with myself if I skipped the run. An elliptical is great but it really doesn't sub in well for running. I got very well bundled and headed out for 5. As soon as I got out of the neighborhood I started crying and didn't stop crying for the entire 5 miles. On the upside, by the time I got home I was able to kind of carry on a conversation, something I hadn't even been able to fake before heading out.
Are you running long?
At lunch Scott asked me if I was running long. He reminded me that our plan actually didn't call for a long run this week (because we flipped it and did it last week). I reminded him that I quit halfway into that long run last week so I was going to try to run long. I headed out for 9-10. It wasn't the 12 that I should be doing, but I felt like it would be enough. I put on a Tim Ferriss podcast. I tuned into Penn Jillette. I adore Tim's podcast, especially while running. It has a way of putting everything into perspective. I identified strongly with a lot of what Penn said. He hates moderation. He is all in or all out. Yes, this is why I struggle at work and with people in general. I am so passionate about things that it freaks other people out. I'm really blunt and people don't like that. I love how he interviews people with strong personalities who are not afraid to be who they are and share that. It always helps me to really get inside someone else's head, something I just can't seem to do interpersonally.
However, my calmness just vanished as soon as I got home. Scott had run 10 and I ran 9.3. I left thinking he was going to go for 6 and I interpreted his 10 as a competition. I think I was so on the edge emotionally that really all someone would have to do was say "boo" and I'd cry. Anyway, we headed to the sauna and I shared all that is bugging me; my mom, not really being able to talk about it, my day job, how much baking I have to do for my evening and weekend job, not feeling like I am helping my dad enough and on and on and on.
Back to the point
Elizabeth is signed up for two spring half marathons and she's not running a lot right now. She is doing a lot of cross training and she seems to enjoy winging the distance. We had a conversation about how the training is the point. The destination and race day are fun, but the training is the point. I don't think she agrees with us, and that's ok. I love that when I get to marathon day I will be able to look back and know that I used running to work through emotions. I will have memories of my running and the podcasts or music I chose. I know that the time on my feet over the weeks will help make race day more fun, or at least bearable.
We head out to California today! I haven't been to LA since I was 22 and I convinced my internship coordinator that I was desperately needed for a corporate business trip. I fondly remember a day at Disney, seeing Hollywood and going to the beach. I look forward to being back there with Xander and Scott. I also look forward to having NO training on the plan. We know we'll run - we're packing running clothes - but it is nice to just see a blank week to do whatever I want to do.